Monday, August 20, 2012

Passing Ships

There are phrases that I love: ships passing in the night; we are as safe as houses; thick as thieves. Phrases that hold meaning, many people can understand, and stand alone without context but at the same time can signify so much depending on the situation. I originally set about writing a series of essays, collection, montage, personal memoir or, rather my ACADEMIC THESIS to relate what I considered to be my unique manner of growing up, how and who influenced me to become who I am today and who I hope to be tomorrow – a writer. I have discovered while writing though, that I want more than anything is to be able to hold my five, twelve, nineteen and twenty two year old self close and let her know that everything is going to be alright. I want to revisit the ghosts of myself in the myriad of different circumstances I remember finding myself in and realizing that even though I wasn’t sure how everything would turn out, I would somehow figure it out. And I have and still continue to. To look back and reexamine the things that happened to me and my experiences are reminders that we are resilient. We carry on. I carried on. As Didion said, I want to “keep in touch with the people we used to be” because everyone else is transient and only I carry myself with me. I share the memories with myself that happened to me. I can look back and reflect upon what I did and said and experienced. I can share that with others now. Because I wasn’t able to voice how I felt and what I thought when I was five. Now I can. I do not want to disappear. I have always feared slipping away, dying an old lady, mute and quiet and without a struggle. And I feared being forgotten. But somehow, it would seem I decided, somewhere along the line to head toward the path of a writer. And if I produce a work or many pieces of text and print and blogs then I will not disappear. I will leave a trace. It was completely unconscious and seemed like the only alternative to use my degree. I do not want to teach high school English and I thought for a minute I could be a lawyer but my complete lack of remembering codes and rules and laws themselves prevented me from getting past the intro to law class I took my senior year. So I will try to write. I will make every effort to remember so that I will not be forgotten.

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